


A place to call home

by NiennorNight (Niennor_Night)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BookSpoilers, Fluff and Angst, M/M, PostPg.511
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-06 15:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6759892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niennor_Night/pseuds/NiennorNight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after pg.511. CoLS SPOILERS! Magnus is missing Alec terribly, Alec is tormenting himself with guilt... Being together is the only way to save both of them, but is it possible? [ Malec ]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A hard decision

It was a beautiful day, but Magnus had no mind to see it… He was staring absently at the lake in front of him, shimmering under the sunlight, and all he could see was blue. Not the beautiful “greenish” blue of the lake in front of him, but another shade. A blue that for him was the most beautiful colour in the world. A blue he adored and missed terribly.

Suddenly, he heard a thud and jumped surprised, violently pulled out of his deep thoughts. He saw a dead phouka lying on the grass beside him, with an arrow sticking out of its neck, and as realization dawned on him, he felt his heart skip a beat. Not because of the mortal danger he had been in, mere seconds ago, but because of what saved him from it. He raised his cat-eyes slowly and met that pair of blue eyes that had been haunting his thoughts for the past month. “Thank you…” He uttered stricken, unable to peel his eyes off him. _‘I wanted to see you…’_

Alec shook his head slightly, lowering his bow and spoke in a low voice that seemed rougher like what it used to be, as if he hadn’t used it in a while. “Don’t worry about it…”

Magnus took a step his way, feeling drawn to the boy that was no longer his’, as said boy was looking at him mesmerized. Finally, having reached him, standing only two meters away, Magnus took a good look at him and gasped softly because of what he saw. “Alexander… What happened to you?” The question fell from his lips before he could help himself. The Nephilim’s features had become sharper because he had lost too much weight. His eyes were sunken and red, and underneath them were deep dark shadows. He looked as if he hadn’t slept and eaten properly for days.

Alec laughed mirthlessly in response. “Whatever do you mean? My life is **_abso-lutely pe-rfect._** ” He said, underlining the last two words with sarcasm.

Magnus bit his lip, cursing himself. _‘Of course it’s my fault… I did this to him…’_ he thought. _‘He must hate me so much now…’_

When the Warlock, lost in thought said nothing, Alec looked at him tiredly, and sighed, collapsing on the grass with his back against a tree. “I’m sorry…” he muttered, realizing he was being rude.

Magnus kneeled beside him, studying him. He felt a stab of pain in his heart seeing the boy’s overall ragged appearance, which was even more profound now than it used to be. He really looked far from okay. He…

“I can’t sleep…” He confessed, disrupting the Warlock’s thoughts. “I…” He whispered, but just as abruptly as he started talking, he fell silent again and then shook his head hiding his face in his hands. “Nevermind.” He muttered.

Magnus leaned closer. “Please, go on…” He urged softly.

The Nephilim sighed, not looking at him. _‘I’m so tired…’_ “I… Since that day…” He shook his head again, a bit faster, and immediately regretted it. He groaned covering his face with his hands again.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked immediately, worried.

“Nothing…” Alec muttered, missing the panicked tint in his voice.

“Alexander.” He warned.

“It’s **nothing** …” He repeated, “I just feel a little dizzy…” 

 _‘ **Nothing**?!?’ _ “When was the last time you ate something?” He asked, trying to keep his voice calm and not shout at him because he was so worried, but Alec looked so fragile he couldn’t bear to raise his voice at him.

Alec looked at him confused, his eyes slightly unfocused. _‘Why would you care?’_ “I don’t remember… Maybe Monday…”

“Monday?? It’s Wednesday!!!” Magnus exclaimed.

“Please don’t yell… My head hurts…” Alec said closing his eyes again.

“Alexander… Tell me… What’s wrong?” The Warlock whispered softly.

“My **_life_** is wrong…” The boy said with fervor, looking at him momentary, but then his voice cracked and he closed his eyes once more. “I should have been the one… **_I_** should be the one dead… Not him… And I see it, every night… Everything that happened… It’s my fault…” He drew a shaky breath and explained himself. “When… when we were… together… I always slept soundly… I think… your presence… soothed me. But now… I only see nightmares. Of everything I did. Of everything I didn’t. It’s my fault… My fault…” He chanted.

Magnus bit his lip. The Shadowhunter needn’t say more. He understood. Alec was talking about Max. He knew how broken he had been, but when they were together he seemed to have been doing a little better. He saw now that wasn’t the case and felt a stab of pain on his heart at the Nephilim’s words. **_“I should be the one dead…”_** Even the thought of that terrified him. He reached out to touch him, but then Alec spoke again and Magnus froze hearing his next words.

“And I see you too… How you almost died because of me… I destroy everything I love…” His voice cracked and he curled up to himself, his face still hidden.

“Alexander… Don’t say that… It’s not true… Nothing is your fault.”

The Nephilim barked a mirthless laugh and shook his head slowly “ ** _Everything_** is my fault.”

“Alec…”

He went on as if he hadn’t heard him. “And the worst thing is… There is **_nothing_** I can do about it. Things can never be the way they were before… **Everything** is lost…”

Magnus was at a loss for words. He ached to tell him that wasn’t the case, that there is always hope, but he knew Alec wouldn’t listen to him. He could see he was completely broken, and knowing he was to blame for that was killing him. He looked at that boy he still loved so much despite everything that happened between them.

The Nephilim was hugging his knees to his chest, his raven hair falling over his eyes. He looked so much smaller, so vulnerable, and in that moment Magnus broke again. He raised his hand slowly, wishing to touch him, while in his head, the voice of reason, fought with the voice of his heart.

_‘It’s over.’_

_‘But I love him.’_

_‘We can’t be together.’_

_‘But I want him.’_

_‘Being together will only hurt both of us…‘_

_‘But I **need** him!!’_

_‘Doesn’t matter.’_

Magnus shook his head. It was pointless. He had already taken his decision and nothing could change his mind.


	2. The price to pay

_‘Being together may hurt us, but being apart is killing us. **I love him**.’ _ Magnus thought, and knew that was the truth. The only truth that mattered. Deciding to prove Alec wrong and fix everything, he opened his mouth to tell him he loved him. But then Alec spoke and Magnus' words faded before he had a chance to say them.

“I just want to sleep… And **_never_** awaken…” He muttered under his breath, and the Warlock realised he probably didn't mean to say it out loud. But he did, and Magnus heard him, feeling the cold grip of fear on his heart. He reached out to him, wanting more than anything to hold him, to beg him not to talk like that, to take care of himself because if anything were to happen to him…

Before he could do any of these things, Alec looked up at him, his blue eyes meeting the Warlock’s golden-green cat-eyes. “Can you help me?” He asked desperately. “I will repay you…”

Magnus looked away to hide the pain in his eyes from him. “Alexander. You just saved my life. I think I owe you one.”

“You owe me nothing… You have saved me countless times.” Alec said. “I could never repay you…” he added in a low voice and then shook his head. “I’m sorry. The things I say and the things I do are not consistent… I ask for your help when I am the one already owning everything to you… I’m sorry… I… I can’t think straight…” He slumped lower, exhausted, and hid his face in his hands again. “Forget I said anything…” He muttered, his voice muffled. “I’m sorry to bother you…”

“Alec… Do you have something to do tonight?”

“What?” He looked up not understanding why Magnus was still there, was still talking to him, and why he would ask that. When the Warlock didn’t say anything else, he answered his question. “No. I was just…” He trailed off, staring at the grass.

“Just?” Magnus asked softly and Alec looked at him, looking dazed and disorientated.

“Just?” he muttered, forgetting his previous words. And then he remembered. “Oh… I was returning ho-” He cut himself off, shaking his head and corrected his words. “To the Institute…”

Magnus bit his lip, understanding why Alec corrected himself. On a night that now seemed too long ago and too far gone, the boy had once sleepily confessed to him while lying on his arms on the couch, that since he moved in with him the institute no longer felt like home because **_he_** wasn’t there…

Magnus looked at him, an expression crossing his face, but Alec couldn’t understand what it meant. _‘I’m so tired…’_ The Shadowhunter thought, not for the first time.

He wanted to keep looking at him for as long as he could, knowing their time together was limited, but his head hurt unbearably from the bright light so he closed his eyes and covered them with his hand leaning against the tree, wishing Magnus wouldn’t be gone when he opened them again. Just as he thought of that, he felt him touching his forehead gently and say something in an unknown language and then everything went black as he sank in a dreamless sleep.

When he opened his eyes again the sun was going down and he actually felt rested for the first time since **_that_** day. He was lying down and was covered with a warm blanket, his head on Magnus’ lap, who was softly running his fingers through his hair. He froze, not daring to move, not daring to even breathe. He didn’t know how or why he was in that position, but he never wanted to move from there again. He could feel his pain being dulled by being so close to the Warlock.

He peeked at Magnus who was staring in the distance and remembered that day he had saved his life. Just like back then, he was bathed in sunlight and looked so beautiful that it pained Alec to look at him.

_‘I missed you so much…’_

He bit back a sob but even though there was no sound, his body trembled and the Warlock snapped out of his reverie and looked down at him.

“Alexander?” He called his name in a soft voice, his hand leaving his hair to touch his forehead “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay…” Alec whispered looking up at him. “It doesn’t hurt so much anymore…” He added, mostly to himself. Magnus looked at him feeling a stab of pain and guilt in his heart, knowing he was the reason for the boy’s pain, but said nothing, so Alec went on. “What do you want in return?”

“I want…” he sighed, stopping. “Can you get up?” he asked gently. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yes. I’m sorry…” Alec muttered thinking the Warlock didn't want to touch him anymore, and reluctantly got up, raising himself on his elbows while Magnus helped him, holding his shoulders. When in a sitting position Alec turned to look at him and said again “Please tell me how I can repay you.”

Magnus bit his lip. “Anything I want?”

“Within my power…”

Magnus looked at him with a glimmer of hope in his cat-eyes, that Alec didn't understand. "You promise?" he asked.

"On the Angel." Alec nodded, trusting the Warlock completely. And then it occurred to him, that Magnus may ask him to really never bother him again this time, and his heart constricted. But he had already promised. There was no going back now.

“Okay then.” Magnus nodded. “I want three things. Two of them you can do for sure. The third… I doubt it.” He said, lowering his voice, looking down for a moment, but then looked up at him again immediately. “But we’ll discuss this later.”

Alec stared at him nervously, his blue eyes wide as his heart was beating rapidly, afraid that he was going to ask him to disappear, and nodded, his voice trembling slightly. “I am listening.”


	3. Within my power

Without another word Magnus got on his feet and offered him his hand to help him up. “First. Come with me.”

“W-what?” He muttered, looking up at him not understanding.

The Warlock raised an eyebrow. “I think I was clear enough. Get up and come with me.” He repeated, not taking his hand away.

The boy bit his lip and slowly raised his hand taking Magnus’. He expected him to let go once he got on his feet, but Magnus held on tight instead, and started walking. “Magnus? Where are we going?” He called, while being dragged away.

“We are going to get food. I’m starving. And so are **you.** ” The older man told him using an authoritative tone which allowed no complains.

Alec complained anyway. “I’m not hungry.”

Magnus turned to looks at him, his gold cat-eyes boring into the Shadowhunter’s blue ones. “We will talk about **that** later too. C’mon.”

“But!”

“I would think coming with me to eat would be within your power… Am I wrong?”

“No… I mean yes… ugh…” he shook his head. “I mean, okay, I’m coming. But why would you…”

“We’ll talk once you eat something.”

“Okay…”

They sat at a small café and Magnus ordered various stuff for them to eat, and also some coffee.

“Eat.” He ordered the Nephilim, and the boy sighed and grabbed a French fry biting it.

“Happy???” he grumbled annoyed that he was being made to eat.

“I will be once you eat everything.”

“ **Everything**??? Are you **insane**? There’s food for five people here!”

“When you eat _enough_ then. Go on.”

Alec sighed and kept eating, wishing to get it over with, while Magnus watched him in silence, skeptically.

“About my third request…” The Warlock said after a while, sounding nervous.

“Third? You lost me there… What were the two first?"

“I wanted you to come with me, and eat.”

“You needn’t have gone to such lengths for that…” The Shadowhunter muttered. “What does it matter anyway???”

“It does!! Of course it does!” Magnus exclaimed surprising him.

Alec looked at him, his blue eyes wide. “Why?” The question escaped his lips before he could hold it back.

“Why??” Magnus asked back, incredulously.

“Yes. Why would it matter to you? Why would you care if I live or die, if I’m happy or not?? Why did you help me??”

Magnus sighed and went for the answer the Nephilim was most likely to believe. “I owed you that much didn't I? I'm the reason you are like that. It’s **my** fault you are suffering.”

Alec looked at him, his eyes wide for a moment, and then his face fell. “I see…” he whispered sounding even more heartbroken than before. _‘I was stupid to hope…’_ “I understand you don’t want to be here. You don’t have to feel obliged to do anything. Nothing is your fault. I said so before. **Everything is my fault.** ”

“I don't believe that… but what does it matter now? No matter who was at fault, the outcome is still the same…" Magnus muttered sadly.

"It matters to me… I know that I was probably nothing much to you… But to me, you were everything."

"Alexander!!! How dare you say that?? You were never _'nothing'_!! As you were **never** trivial!! You… since the beginning, you were…"

"I was what? An important footnote? A post note of value?"

His voice was dripping sarcasm and Magnus would have been angry at him for talking like that, if it wasn't also laced with so much pain it hurt to even listen to it.

“Alexander…” He choked out, feeling his heart constrict. "Please…"

"Please what?" Alec asked lowly, his voice lifeless once more.

"Please don't say that. I told you so many times. You are **NOT** trivial. Why could you **never** believe me?"

"Well, why didn't you?" Alec asked back, surprising him.

"What?"

"Why didn't **you** believe me when I told you I was never going to shorten your life? If I was so important to you, you should have believed me, right?"

Magnus was left just staring at him, speechless.

"Never mind…" The boy said, his blue eyes shining with unshed tears. "You don't have to answer that. Just tell me what's the third thing you want so I can leave you alone as you wished… As I’m sure you still do…" His voice broke and Magnus felt his heart break along with it, for one more time. 

“Alexander… Please forgive me.”

“What?”

“I want you to forgive me.”

“I… I don’t understand… I thought…”

“I know what you thought. And I also know, I am asking for too much. I do not deserve your forgiveness after what I did to you. But I **_need_** you. Alexander, you were **NEVER** trivial… And I need you… God, I need you so much… I was wrong, so wrong and I…” he stopped midsentence, looking at the boy, who was staring at him lost. “Alexander? Please say something.”

“You… **_You_** , need… **_me_**?”

“Yes. More than anything.”

“But… That doesn’t make sense… You… you said…”

“It doesn’t change anything…” Magnus quoted, and Alec flinched at the reminder dropping his eyes.

“Yes…”

“I lied.” The Warlock announced and Alec raised his head with a sudden motion to look at him, his blue eyes wide.

“You did **what**?”

“I lied. I’m sorry. It was a stupid, horrible lie… I love you. And it changes **_everything_**. Please Alexander. Forgive me. Forgive me and return **_home_**.”

“Home…?” He whispered looking up at him, the longing evident in his eyes.

“Yes… Please come back… Come back and make the loft a “ ** _home_** ” again, because that place is just an empty house without you there…”

“I promised… Didn't I?” Alec said.

“What?” Magnus asked confused, forgetting their previous dialogue momentary.

Alec smiled at last and Magnus felt the pieces of his soul healing just by seeing that beautiful smile he had missed so much.

“Your third request is within my power.” The Nephilim said. “I…”

But he never got to finish that sentence, because Magnus finally vaught up to what Alec was saying and all but climbed the table to reach him, kissing him with so much love it took his breath away. “Thank you… Thank you, thank you… My Alec, I love you so much…”

Saying nothing, Alec gently untangled himself from Magnus, who immediately looked at him worried.

“Alexander…?”

Alec left money for the food on the table and took Magnus' hand, dragging him outside. He pushed him against the café wall and kissed him breathlessly, just like the Warlock had done to him once, back when they were first dating. *****

Magnus kissed him back eagerly, holding him close, and whispered, when they separated to breathe. “What was that for?”

“I love you too…” Alec whispered back, as they looked into each other's eyes, their foreheads leaning together. “Let's go **home**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *"The Bane Chronicles" reference.


End file.
